What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 22:00
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I couldn’t, believe it.
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So, i spoilt her more .
I was scared of men, in general
Put me off passion for life!!
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She loved him until the end.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But it wasn’t much.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why are there so many girls and not enough boys to follow?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was 9 years of age.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My family never makes their pension either.
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
We all went to grammer schools
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I said to her
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I think the readers, may guess!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was very sick at this time too.
Ive learnt so much.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
All the time i was locked up.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
(And it was in our own minds.)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And i lived it daily.
She married twice! .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was seconnd youngest,
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So whats the point in blame.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I write beautiful poetry .
Who then, do I blame.?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We were not on the streets..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I never cut or harmed myself..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As i do to all so called friends.?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I waited trembling.
But, we were locked up after school.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
It was going to be , some day.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im still living with it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
What did i know ?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She found it foreign!.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One cannot live in the past .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She was in good health!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My life is so biszare .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I will be 64.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
This is soul school!.
Comes on , in middle age.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Was to survive, this bastard.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Would this be the day?
He knew the spot.
I have no regrets .
I don,t even have a pension.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
When she asked me how she looked .
She wouldn,t have been !
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.